drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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