So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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