Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she was so not down for the gang bang
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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