Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
