Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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