Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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