Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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