i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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