be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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