imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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