Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
