Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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