Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
