thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I will die if light touches me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
