Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
