I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
