Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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