I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
