no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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