I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Two words: nipple clamps
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