Small penises have feelings too.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
