I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
