Where are you?
In a non slutty way
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
