After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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