...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
