wanna go halves on a baby?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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