The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
