dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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