Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize