I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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