Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
