Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
