i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
