I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
