We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
