Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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