i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
