She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
