Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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