Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
