I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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