lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
