I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
