Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
