Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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