Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
