Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
