i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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