For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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