Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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