mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
