i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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