I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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