Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
