I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
