Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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